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Happy New Year! First check in for 2021. 

Boy, the energy of this world is a shit-show in the making. But it’s just the energy of releasing–like projectile vomiting. We are getting the crap out of us by releasing it around us, and it’s not pretty. I, too, have been dealing with this same energy-vomit. I’ve had all kinds of issues come to the surface and I have reacted (vomiting on others) through this holiday season, see my blog. And that release of old stuff is allowing me to look at my feelings, thoughts and beliefs in new ways – from an older more experienced woman. And then I can revamp or release that old stuff.

These are the things that have risen to the surface over the last few weeks.

  1. Old hurts/slights (family)
  2. My issues around not being heard
  3. Heartbreak – my “hurting myself” when I am rejected by another. (with food and negative self-talk, not razor blades)

My newest bubbling was in my first piano lesson. I have for a whole life yearned to learn piano. I love everything about it, but have never even thought of taking piano lessons. Why? Money? Time? Availability? Value? Worthiness?

I decided that I had the money and could find the time to sign up for lessons. Plus because I’m so lazy, I wanted someone close by…is two minutes close enough? YEP! So I signed up and told her I might be middle aged, but I was a child when it came to learning a new skill…meaning….keep it SIMPLE. My old brain is a bit slow on the uptake! (not self-depreciation…”Just the facts Ma’am”)

So I excitedly showed up for my first lesson. After the dreaded wear a mask, let me take your temperature and wash your hands…she sat me at an upright piano and my face dropped. I wanted to sit at the beautiful baby grand piano that is positioned in the front window (to make the motorist drool, no doubt) as it overlooks main street of Madeira. But alas…I’m stuck at an upright. 

 

I composed myself and proceeded to look doe-eyed at my masked instructor. She pulled out a children’s instruction book and started at the beginning. 

Then all of a sudden I felt my body tense and I was pulled back into an old tape recording. I started to berate me because I should have learned piano BEFORE I took this piano instruction! 

I heard it as clear as day and it gripped me. I could barely understand her instructions and I fumbled at the keys she instructed me to play. All while she over-the-top congratulated me on my talent, just like she would encourage any other child, yet this child was old!

This “I should have already known how to do this or that” tape is from my childhood school training. I don’t know where it came from, but it has been with me forever! And it usually only shows up when I’m in a classroom type instruction. After I graduated from highschool I thought it moved on, only to show up when I started college in my 40s! Again, it was back full force and caused me to have a bit of a breakdown. So much so, I thought I might have to quit school, which was my life long dream to get my college degree. Luckily, I didn’t give up so easily and went to meet with a counselor. 

When I told her of my stress and dilemma, she laughed. She said, “Don’t worry, that’s just non-traditional student anxiety, it’s pretty normal.”  She summed it up very clearly, she said, “You think that when you walk into a class, that you should already know and understand the material. Correct?”

I said, yes! (Someone finally understood me) She said, “NO! That’s not correct. That’s all wrong. You need to understand you are NOT an adult that has life experiences that should give you that knowledge. You are a STUDENT, you have paid us to TEACH you.  Our very job is to expect you to know NOTHING. That’s our job to teach you the knowledge. Kym, no one expects you to know anything.”

I think I wet myself in that moment. (Not really!) That new perspective changed the rest of my college experience. It was like the weight of “knowing” was no longer crippling me. I thought this feeling had lifted from me forever…

…but it found me again, almost 20 years later as I sat at that upright piano, and I felt my body tense up and the voice of judgement hit me hard.

I left my appointment with the accolades from my piano teacher of my talent with encouragement to practice, practice, practice.

I walked out and all I wanted to do was go get fast food. And roll around in the mud of deplorableness. (Yes, it’s a real word.) Cram down a Wendy’s Frosty and eat my feelings.

But first I had to do my most hated adulting task: go to the grocery store. But then I brightened and said, “Kym, you can get even more crap there then any fast food place can give you!” and I brightened at the idea for I could do even more self-flagellation because of more bad food consumption! 

But as I drove the 50 feet to Kroger’s, I got a hold of this old tape and called it on it’s bullshit. I said, “Kym you are NOT going to listen to this old shit. You are not going to mindlessly buy crap and eat it like a gluttonous pig and then call yourself out for the cost to your wallet and your weight! YOU WILL NOT! This has no power over me!” 

So I calmed my ass down.

I went into the store, bought only my Keto food and left out and went right home and made my meal.

I DID IT! I beat down the old tape, I didn’t self-sabotage myself in the old reactive behavior! I’m free, I’m free, thank God I’m free! 

Okay, that was just one time I won. But it felt good, adult, and a huge leap forward in my releasing of my old shit, just like the rest of the world is doing right now. I didn’t need to roll around in the pain of the old shit like I did in my Xmas realization. I caught hold of myself before I spewed it out and all over myself.

And that’s all we can do. Just stop before I hurt others or myself! So again, no real weight-loss to celebrate, but I have won a few more fights with the old tape and each time it gets easier not to reach for food to deal with my emotions. That’s a huge win in itself. Hopefully in the next 70 days that weight will drop. (Cross fingers!)

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