I’m showing up to today’s check-in solely out of a sense of duty, and even with that, I still needed Kym to give me an additional push. I’m in exactly the same place I was two weeks ago, and I’m at the crossroads of anger and despair.
Last time I vowed to add 20 minutes of an activity that I loved into my days, and I did almost without fail. Some days I wrote, read, colored or baked. I even went antiquing and thrifting which I absolutely love. I told myself that I wasn’t to feel guilty or feel like I was indulging for the time I was spending on myself in these activities–it was an investment in my selfcare and it was important for my emotional and physical health. I won’t say that I fully embraced the self-love, but I moved a little closer to making time for myself a priority. It didn’t do anything for my weight though.
Since we rolled over into 2021 in this period, I decided to actually step on the scale and get a baseline for the year. I was more or less where I imagined, but now I had an actual number. That first week I was vigilant and lost 3 pounds. But I managed to gain it back last week.
I’ve had a lot of emotional stuff bubbling up to the surface, leaving me tearful and in a place of general vulnerability. It’s increased my sensitivity to other people’s emotional energy and drama. I was also fosited into a couple of awkward social situations that have left me feeling very drained, confused, and even physically spent. Since the last check-in I’ve missed work and had several migraine headaches as a result.
I’ve done fairly well at not running into the arms of food during these emotional upheavals, but I also haven’t moved forward any. At six week into this program, I feel defeated and ready to quit entirely since my weight hasn’t changed and my clothes aren’t any looser.
I’ve made a lot of intentions about 2021. I know this year is, or is supposed to be, a big one for me in personal, spiritual, emotional, and professional growth. I was hoping it would also be one of great strides in physical health.. Right now I’m in the midst of something thick and dark and sticky and can’t see much. I sure as heck can’t see pounds dropping off.
My goal is modest for the next two weeks. I’m in survival mode. I’m going to keep my focus on self-care, and tune into what my body needs. I’m going to continue with the 20 minutes of me-time. I’ll keep up with my tracking and everything else I’m doing. But clearly the focus is meant to be internal right now. I have to be okay with that.